I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
