i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
