I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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