I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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