At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have feelings that need drinking.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
