He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
