I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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