I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
