you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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