Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
