I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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