I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
