I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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