am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
