Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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