i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
