apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
