"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
