Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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