you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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