Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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