rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
