life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
