does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
