So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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