Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
