Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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