I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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