I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no, he came in my armpit
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
