he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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