right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
