I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
