My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
