Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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