I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
