im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
