did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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