His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Everclear isn't food dammit
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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