Just mADE A PArabola og urine
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
