Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
