And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
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