i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
