sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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