i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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