I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
