god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
