We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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