I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
