my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
