The maid of honor just puked.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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