im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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