Heybabeimwearingurpanties
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
