yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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