Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
