We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
