areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
