i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
