tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
