Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
