i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Less talking, more tequila
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
